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When Children Grieve
When there is death in the family, it is not unusual for adults to fall into two extremes. Either they presume that children are not affected at all or they expect kids to grieve the same way they do.
A particular sensitivity is needed to help kids navigate loss. Children react differently to loss than adults (and even other children); their coping depends on their age and level of comprehension. What is certain though is that they will get affected. Aside from the impact of the loss itself, kids are much attuned to changes around them. They could sense the sudden difference in emotional atmosphere, routine and mood inside a house. Consequently, they require extra support from the grown-ups in this moment of crisis.
How can you help kids handle their grief? The following are two guidelines to remember.
Explain the death to the child in a way appropriate to their age.
Death is confusing and potentially terrifying to a child. An explanation that they can wrap their minds around is important to make sure that they have some understanding of what is going on and to keep them from imagining the worst.
Tell them only as much as they need to know and avoid complicated explanations. But don't lie (e.g. grandpa just took a vacation; your aunt is just sleeping etc.). Kids remember everything they've been told and would likely make inferences from them. Being truthful prevents unrealistic expectations on their part.
Kids ages 3 and below cannot yet be expected to understand what death is but they may be told about the changes in routine that they can expect. "Daddy will no longer take you to the park, and he cannot sleep beside you as he used to." "No, he will no longer come home." Often at this age, you may end up explaining things repeatedly. Assure them verbally and non-verbally (e.g. through touches and hugs) of your continued presence despite these changes.
Those 3 to 6 years old have some understanding of death already albeit they cannot yet comprehend abstract aspects like its finality or causality. Thus they can be found often asking "How did he die?", "Is he coming back?", "Will it happen to me too?" Patiently answer each questions. A relative's death from a heart attack may be explained biologically. "His heart stopped. "This happens sometimes when...." Emphasize however it is less likely that the same would happen to them or someone else they are closed to, though it is possible. It also would help them to know that it's not their fault and the death is not abandonment.
Those 6 and older can already process a more detailed explanation. They may even be able to process spiritual explanations depending on their age. The same principles discussed above apply. Compared to younger kids though, they likely have a stronger picture of the deceased as a part of their life. It is suggested then that they be encouraged to talk about what they used to do with their deceased loved ones to help them keep their memory alive.
Acknowledge and accept their feelings.
Children also feel sadness and even anger with the death of someone they know. Children are entitled to their feelings and it is good to let them know this. Do not tell a child that to feel a certain way is wrong but rather encourage them to express what they feel.
Remember that the younger a child is, the less able he or she is in identifying and verbalizing what they feel. Sadness and depression therefore may take the form of irritability and crankiness; anger could be uncharacteristic defiance, and fear expressed in age-inappropriate separation anxiety.
Tell them that it is alright to miss their loved ones. Children respond better to indirect inquiries about their feelings than direct ones. One of the common ways to help kids express their feelings is to draw a list of facial expressions of different emotions (also available online) and let your child just point the face that reflects their feelings best. There are also a lot of good children storybooks around that deal with feelings of children.
You may also create a fictional character who models the behavior that they are exhibiting and ask them about it. Also, some parents have successfully used making a scrapbook about a deceased loved one in helping their kids grieve.
Nightmares are normal within two months after the death. Regressive behaviors too like bed wetting, seeing "ghosts", playing dead or funeral are expected the couple of weeks after a loss.