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Understanding Kids Who Misbehave
They say that to be a parent is to have your heart 'forever walking outside your body.' You are never really just yourself; at any given moment you think about where your kids are, what they are doing, and if they are safe. You make everyday decisions not just in terms of what you want, but based on how it would eventually affect your kids. And everyday you wonder whether or not you are doing a good job.
You may know deep down that you are the doing the best that you can, but let's face it, parenting can be a stressful 'career'. Yes, it is pure bliss 90% of the time but there are days when you just wonder: why on earth raising children well was never taught in school?
The stress is specially felt during times when your children have become extra difficult. They throw tantrums, answer back, vandalize the furniture and even bully their playmates. They test your patience and yes, even your sanity! When these things happen, we could all do with a bit of support!
Is my kid misbehaving?
Misbehavior is a word often touted by pop culture it can encompass a great variety of acting out behaviors. Whatever the act referred to is, the term misbehavior connotes a battle of sorts: kids resisting what they should be doing and parents needing to whip them up to shape - ASAP. This power struggle mentality when it comes to handling misbehaviors can limit us in understanding why our kids act the way they do. Sadly, because of this 'warfare' interpretation, the term has found itself as a label for kids who do not do, well, basically what their parents would like them to do.
When we encounter what we perceive as problematic behavior, the first thing we may need to ask ourselves is this: Is my child really misbehaving? You'd be surprised how the moment's frustration can lead us to label our kids as "defiant" and "hard-headed" when they're simply being themselves. What may appear as misbehavior to parents may simply be kids being kids.
Consider first your child's innate temperament. You can actually observe your child's personality from the moment they are born. Some babies are quiet, others are just loud. Some toddlers are happy to be sitting still, others need to roam around. You have to factor in personality because some kids by nature are just more hyperactive than the rest. If may be difficult for them to obey a request to 'stay put' for thirty minutes while you do the laundry.
Next, consider your kids' developmental stage. Some degree of self-centeredness, precociousness and defiance are normal in children as they go through particular ages.
Kids 1 1/2 to 2 years old are in a stage of discovery and exploration. It is not unusual for them to want to see, touch and smell whatever is around. Therefore if they end up breaking things left and right it is not out of any innate meanness. As parents of kids in this stage, the best thing to do is not to limit their curiosity but to provide them the rich but safe environment for this exploration. For example rather than getting mad at random walls made into art canvasses, why not just give them one wall in the house where they could draw as they please? You hit two birds with one stone: you get to encourage their inner DaVinci and you've done damage control on the house!
At ages 3-6, they are testing your limits. They would say "no" to your requests 75% of the time to see how far they can go. You need not be surprised, it's part of them learning autonomy -- and they need to lean it. (You should actually be proud that your kid's got gumption!) It is part of them discovering that they can in fact affect the things around them. Rather than be frustrated, it might be best to take this opportunity to set firm rules in the house. Tell them what is negotiable and non-negotiable. The important thing for you here is to be consistent in implementing the rules you set out.
Other Causes of Acting-Out
It is, however, possible too that your kid may be misbehaving because of something that is happening in the outside. If personality and developmental stage is not the perceived reason for misbehavior, it is best to explore other possibilities:
Modeling
Kids are keen observers. Consider the possibility that they may be modeling your behavior or that of other adults in the house. Swearing for some children for example may not be meant as disrespect. If they heard other adults in the house swear, they maybe thinking that it is a good thing to imitate. In this case it might be good to set rules too for other people in the house!
Reaction to Change
Remember that the younger kids are, the less able they are to identify and express their feelings like fear, sadness and anger. If the misbehavior comes in the context of a change like a divorce, a new baby, new school, new house, your kid may be having difficulty adjusting. Perhaps the misbehavior is their non-verbal way of telling you that they need extra support from you.
Reinforced Misbehavior
Consider also the possibility that you may have been rewarding them for the misbehavior. We might be doing this in ways we are not aware of like smiling or laughing at something ridiculous but inappropriate that they have done. We may also be reinforcing a negative behavior even as we reprimand our kids when they misbehave. A tantrum for example may be a way to catch our attention and so the more we attend to a tantrum and cajole our kid out of it, the more it happens. If this is the case, the best thing to do is ignore the tantrum when it happens and give attention in unexpected ways to address the need.