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Resolving Anger Is Up To You
Unresolved conflict is global. No one is untouched by anger. Every one of us has needs and expectations, and when they are unmet, anger results. Anger arises whether or not a person's unmet needs and expectations are legitimate or selfish and unrealistic. Anger is an emotion of self-preservation. When our physical or emotional survival is threatened, we react with anger. Mistreatment, abuse, disrespect, and inflicted physical and emotional pain cause anger. Anger is not time-limited, meaning that anger occurs during present conflict, past conflict, and from conflict that we expect in the future.
Resolving Anger Is Up To You. Anger can be healthy or unhealthy in its cause and expression. If you look beyond the anger to its cause, you may find ways to resolve it. Anger signals the presence of physical or emotional pain; it points to the fact that something is not right and needs attention. Anger may be a sign that you need to work on your relationships with others; that you feel disrespected, invalidated, demeaned, disconnected or detached from others and need to reconnect. If you feel unaccepted by significant people in your life, you may want to determine if communication is an issue. If your sense of personal worth is violated, it is emotionally painful because you need others in your life to survive, and you may react with anger.
Anger is multidimensional; it has a source, focus, and means of expression. Anger is either directed inward (depression and passive aggression), or outward, toward others. People express anger outwardly by reacting with frustration, irritability or annoyance, blowing off steam, flying into a rage, ranting and raving, slamming doors, putting holes in the wall, throwing objects, fretting and fuming, being negative and critical, or by withdrawing from others. Others focus anger inward, using passive aggression, such as stonewalling, "giving the silent treatment", are filled with self-pity, or become depressed and not able or motivated to initiate or follow through with "normal" daily tasks.
Anger has a purpose. To resolve anger, you need to know the source of the anger and what it means. Anger exists to preserve personal worth, meet essential needs, and uphold basic convictions and boundaries. When your basic, legitimate unselfish, or selfish needs and expectations are not recognized and met, you may feel that you are not are not important to others, that you are being ignored and disrespected, and become angry. Take steps to communicate that you are angry and the reasons for your anger. Resolving Anger Is Up To You.
You have a choice about how you react to anger. Resolving Anger Is Up To You. It is immensely counterproductive to express anger by trying to convince others of their errors, shutting people out of your life, resisting looking at whether you need to change something in your interaction with others, using aggresion toward others, bullying, suppressing your anger or just dropping anger without doing something positive to change it. Rage, explosiveness, intimidation, blame, bickering, criticism, griping, slander and sarcasm will not resolve anger issues, and will make things worse. Basing relationships on power and control, imposing your values on others, insisting you are right and they are wrong, devaluing and disrespecting them does not work. Resolving Anger Is Up To You. You will only alienate others by using negative techniques-and you will not win. Anger resolution is not about winning and losing; it is about reconciling relationships.
Accept your worth as a person; do not allow others to determine your personal worth for you. Have you ever heard the expression "sounds like a personal problem to me?" By that, I mean that what others say about you is their own problem and responsibility. Other people do not have the right to judge you, so do not hand it over to them. The perception of others does determine the truth that you have inherent value. You are valuable just because you exist. The opinion of other people is not gospel. If you find that there is some element of truth in what others say about you, it is not written in stone. You can change your behavior, speech, and thought patterns to result in a more positive outcome. You can communicate your legitimate needs to others. You can put things into perspective and realize that life will go on, even if others fail to respect you, ridicule you, do not meet your needs and are insensitive to you. It is your responsibility to learn to manage your anger, emotions, and actions in positive ways that do not harm others. Wait to deal with conflict until you are not angry. Do not try to settle disputes when you feel emotionally overwhelmed, when your heart is pounding, your breathing is rapid, and you cannot concentrate ("flooding"). This is not the time to try to resolve an argument. The outcome will probably not be equitable or rational. You can try to remain stable even in unstable situations involving conflict.
Emotionally healthy people in healthy relationships do not need to keep score, feel the need to always be right, or the need to engage in passive aggressive attempts to show superiority, preserve personal worth, convictions and needs at the expense of someone else. They do not need to, keep others vulnerable and under their control, frustrating them and engaging in ways to subtly sabotage them. The passive aggressive person is out to win. Anger resolution is not about winning. Emotionally balanced people accept imperfections in themselves and others. Emotionally healthy people acknowledge their limits and do not try to force people into their mold. You cannot change the world or remove all your problems. You can learn to live with problems that you cannot erase. Forgive, learn to "get over it" and move on. If you do not forgive, you are hurting yourself.
Is anger a challenge to you? Change your outlook. Treat yourself and others with dignity and respect. Set and implement healthy boundaries. If it is necessary for your physical or emotional safety and survival, you may need to move away from a person who continues to violate your boundaries. Choose to be assertive rather than aggressive. Communicate with others when you feel devalued, and your reasons for feeling that way; people cannot read your mind. Be assertive; remember that being assertive does not mean harming others. Do not "major on the minors." Focus your attention on what matters and let little things go. Use a respectful tone of voice talking with and not to others. Put things into perspective; focus on the "big picture." Resolving Anger Is Up To You. You cannot control other people's responses, thoughts; and you cannot control all circumstances. Learn to forgive. If you choose to hold on to anger you are emotionally a prisoner of that person; they have power and control over your emotions until you let go and forgive.
Healthy anger resolution is a sign of emotional maturity. Learn to resolve anger in positive ways that respect the rights and dignity of others. Choose to be emotionally healthy for your sake and the sake of those around you.