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Healing From Your Husband's Sexual Addiction
Your heart is broken and you do not know how you can make it through another day. You do not understand what happened. How could this happen to you, to your marriage? You catch your husband glancing at a beautiful woman across the room, or at the mall, and this is not the first time. He avoids your look, hoping you did not notice. It is painful and humiliating when your husband looks with lust at a beautiful woman in your presence. You feel threatened, insecure, abandoned, angry, hurt, insulted, and betrayed. You find pornography, belonging to your husband, hidden in your home. You learn about another woman claiming your husband's affection. You are shocked, angry and do not understand why your husband gives his attention to another woman when you are there to love him and meet his needs. You can find hope and Healing From Your Husband's Sexual Addiction.
Today, temptation is everywhere -- on television, on the Internet, on huge billboards, in the office, in the mall, at work, at the beach; in other words, it really is everywhere, there in no escape. The image of physical perfection is always before our husband's eyes, thanks to advertising and marketing media. Men are visual and "wired" to react to visual images. It appears that men do not stand a chance against this visual onslaught. However, not all men become sexually addicted.
Is it sexual addiction? Your husband may have a sexual addiction if he feels he is not able to control his sexual behavior, he needs the behavior to feel normal, it gets stronger over time, he is obsessed with sexual thoughts and behaviors that include many different experiences, ideas and people, he uses the sexual experiences to alter his mood, it takes the place of a normal, healthy relationship (his marital relationship with you), it is self-destructive, and it disrupts his life.
His behavior may range from continual lust (looking at other women with sexual desires toward them), to using pornography, voyeurism or exhibitionism visiting prostitutes, repeated affairs, incest, or child molestation. If you learn that your husband has engaged in any of these behaviors, it is heartbreaking and devastating. The pain is excruciating and feels like it is unending. Pornography and lust are affairs of the heart and mind. They damage marriage, even without physical contact with another woman.
It is natural to wonder how and why sexual addiction happens. Sexual addiction may begin in childhood with sexual molestation/abuse by another person. This person may be a parent, trusted family member, or even a family friend or stranger. The effects of childhood sexual abuse are traumatic and far-reaching. For others, viewing pornography at a young age may lead to sexual addiction as an adult. Other men may become sexual addicts from experimenting with sexuality as a young boy or adolescent. Men drawn into pornography and other sexual addictions may have been drawn into this as they found ways to relieve stress. Family patterns in which women are the head of the family or for other reasons that men learn to depend on their women for approval may, in some cases, lead to inappropriate relationships with, and perspectives of women.
A husband's sexual addiction causes such deep pain that wives wonder if the pain will ever heal. Find a well-qualified marriage and family therapy counselor to help you in Healing From Your Husband's Sexual Addiction. Your entire world turns upside down when affected by sexual addiction; you need support and encouragement. Your counselor can help you grieve your loss (your hopes of having a faithful husband and healthy marriage), and help heal your heart.
As you face grief, you will go back and forth through several steps: shock, denial, anger, grief, loss, and bargaining. You may feel anger, hate, loneliness, numbness, feeling lost, fear, depression, love, jealousy, self-doubt, relief, rage, confusion, rejection, betrayal, guilt, resentment, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, obsession with what he's done, and need to know the truth. Depression, substance abuse, and thoughts of suicide may result from learning of your husband's sexual addiction. Do not isolate; you need others more than ever now. Find safe friends that you know will not betray your trust in them, and whom you can call any time of the day or night to talk. Face your hurts and vulnerability. Support groups may help you understand that you are not alone and that you have hope.
You do not have to accept your husband's behavior. Do not ignore the behavior; it will not go away. Sexual addiction is not normal; it harms you, your husband, and your marriage and puts you at risk for sexually transmitted diseases, or death (from HIV/AIDS).
It will take confrontation for things to improve. Without it, things will get worse. Confrontation will help give you power in the situation. When you take action, you may feel that you are tearing your life apart, and you need the support of a counselor. Your world is turned upside down. You need support and assistance. Care enough to confront; the behavior will not go away by itself. Confrontation is a meeting between you and your spouse, in which you and/or your counselor carry out a carefully planned sequence of steps designed to motivate your spouse to seek professional counseling. You attempt to discuss the sexually addictive problems with your spouse, show support, and communicate in a firm, but loving way that he must deal with the addiction through counseling.
Becoming codependent (preoccupied with, taking responsibility for, and attempting to control another person's behavior) will not solve your marital problems. Codependent people try to control, rescue, and fix the problems of others. Becoming codependent will enable your husband's sexual addiction and will not help restore your marriage. Remember that your husband's behavior is his responsibility, not yours. He is the person who needs to change; you cannot make him change, it is his choice. If he refuses to stop putting you in danger of physical and emotional harm, work with your counselor to help you give him choices to help restore the marriage and end the addictive behavior.
Acknowledge the problem, detach from your husband's behavior, let him choose to stop the behavior and remain in the marriage. If he can become miserable with the addiction, learn that it causes problems and consequences that he cannot afford and is not willing to continue, and then he can become willing to accept responsibility for change. When he sees that he is losing his wife, children, reputation, and is putting himself at financial risk, things may become clearer to him.
It is not your fault. You have worth apart from your husband. Sexual addiction is pathological. There is nothing wrong with you that caused the addiction. Understand that it is not a matter of your being more or doing more. There may be positive ways that you can work on your relationship with your husband. Assess whether you have shortcomings that negatively affect your marriage. Work to eliminate nagging, manipulating, controlling, anger/rage, perfectionism, jealousy, resentment, self-righteousness, lying, gossiping, being punitive, disheveled appearance (grooming and dress), judging, and suspiciousness. If your husband is involved in sexual addiction, especially if there was sexual contact between your husband and another woman, work with your counselor to help you with issues that may cause you to be sexually and emotionally unavailable. It will take time for you to trust your husband again and be emotionally and sexually available for him.
Relearn ways to trust and share honesty; rebuild self-esteem. You have been deeply wounded and you may believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. The person you loved and trusted, the person who knows you best, betrayed you. Your husband appeared to need someone or something else to be satisfied. You feel you are not enough, to them. It is important for you to understand that your husband's sexual addiction is not your fault. Learn to be assertive. Have a place to deal with negative memories and messages. Counselors can help you research your options, "reprogram" your thoughts, and help you develop and grow.
Forgiving means that you find ways to give up resentment, and anger. When you pardon your husband, you give up all claims to punish or exact penalty for his offenses. Forgiving your husband does not mean that you must tolerate the wrong that he did against you. The past cannot be erased; it happened and affected your relationship. You can heal the pain left behind by relearning trust, over time. Saying I am sorry does not mean that your husband will change, and it is not enough for him to just admit that he wronged you. For your marriage to heal your husband needs to acknowledge the pain he caused you; he needs to feel and show heartfelt empathy toward you. He must have genuine grief and remorse over what he has caused.
Healing From Your Husband's Sexual addiction requires that you honestly and genuinely open the door to reconciliation. If your husband refuses to pay the price for reunion (honesty, remorse, accountability), he may choose to leave the marriage. If this is his choice, you can find courage to begin again. Expect that whether your husband chooses to leave, or to remain in the marriage, you will both go through a time of transition, as you become stronger. Develop and stay connected to a strong suport system. Take care of your physical, emotional and psychological health. Learn, grow, and explore new opportunities. Find ways to reach out and help others; this can help you heal as well.