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Guilt and Forgiveness
From Bondage to Liberty
A friend once told me that the hardest thing in her life is to 'wait to be forgiven'. The statement reveals a long and painful struggle. How do you handle the knowledge that you have caused others pain, and that you are, in fact, a victimizer?
One of the most complicated and difficult emotions to handle is guilt. It can eat you up inside, make you hate and punish yourself over and over again. It can even drive you mad! In a relationship, guilt can mean walking on eggshells, perpetual suspicion---and even manipulation. And because it is a concept deeply embedded in faith and religion, guilt is not just a psychological issue but a deeply spiritual one as well.
What is guilt? There are many facets to guilt but put simply, it is a feeling of regret, remorse and responsibility for a negative situation. It is conceived as an alarm that tells us that we have violated a value or have cause others harm and ill.
Is guilt bad? It depends. There are two kinds of guilt: appropriate guilt and inappropriate or neurotic guilt.
Appropriate Guilt
Appropriate Guilt is a feeling of remorse and regret for something you have actual responsibility for. When you've deliberately and with full knowledge done something that could negatively affect yourself and other people, or you have engaged in intentional neglect, guilt is a "normal" and even psychologically "healthy" reaction.
Contrary to some literature, "guilt-free" lives are not functional lives. If you have deliberately done ill and yet feel not at all bothered (as in the case of antisocial personalities commonly found in hardened criminals), then you actually have a serious problem. To grow and mature, we need to learn to own up to our actions and be accountable to others -- even at just the level of the "golden rule". If society does not have any sense of right or wrong, what would stop anyone from doing whatever they please?
Saying that guilt is normal and even healthy however does not mean that the path to wellness is to get rid of guilt or stop one's self from feeling it. Guilt, like all emotions, has to be acknowledged. This is especially difficult as it is always easier to point the finger at others than at one's self. But self-confrontation is necessary to understand what had happened and make resolutions to never commit the same wrong again.
Owning responsibility is the first step to healing. You must remember though that your guilt is not your entire person and must not dictate your entire future. We may have by our past actions thrown away things we can never recover but there is always a fresh start after every mistake.
If possible and advisable, apologize to the person(s) you've wronged. Aim for reconciliation as best as you can. And commit to making restitution. This means that you would do what you can to make up or recover what had been lost. In many cases of pathological behavior, such as spouse abuse, restitution comes in the form of committing to therapy.
Inappropriate Guilt
On the other hand, inappropriate guilt (also called neurotic guilt) is guilt that is the result of unintentional actions or perceiving harm when none exists. Inappropriate guilt is a common reaction when one has experienced a traumatic event. However because there are no offenses done, inappropriate guilt is unrealistic and unhealthy.
A mother of a school shoot-out victim, for example, blames herself for sending her child to school when the latter obviously had wanted to stay home that fateful day. She thought, 'had I just listened to her, she would still be alive today.' But was she right to blame herself? She had no way of knowing what would have happened. And she did the right thing at the time; no parent should tolerate a child missing school for no reason. The violence was a first in the school and prior to the shooting she had all confidence the school was safe.
Though difficult, the best way to handle inappropriate guilt is sort out what is realistic and what follows real cause and effect. It means letting go of irrational beliefs that govern us. Examples of these irrational beliefs are:
a. We have a way of knowing the future,
b. We can control what others do,
c. We are responsible for others' choices, and
d. Doing all that we can is still not enough.
Inappropriate guilt is usually experienced by people whose upbringing sent them the message the way to feel "love" is to feel shame. "You cannot show your face unless you finish your work!" is an example of shame-based upbringing. People who grow up this way may suffer from a high need for abasement. They are always interpreting negative things as their fault and live life anticipating blame. They tend to hang on to their guilt too to the extent that it already affects their personal, work and relational life.