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Communication in the Family
Three Basic Guidelines to Remember
You may be experiencing interpersonal problems inside your home. Have you considered the possibility that the problem is communication-related?
It is not unusual to bypass poor communication as the cause of disagreements between family members. Not because communication problems are hard to diagnose, but because advice on improving communication is so familiar, so pervasive, no wonder most take it for granted! It is estimated that close to 75% of articles on relational wellness has something to do with communication.
But then, it is not unreasonable to consider good communication as a panacea. Interpersonal problems occur either because we have failed to express exactly what we think and feel or we have failed to hear accurately what others are thinking and feeling.
Communication problems are common inside families because families have a shared history. We are rarely objective when it comes to our own loved ones; we have set assumptions about one another colored by many things that occurred in the past. We have unspoken rules passed through many generations. Moreover, the desire for closeness makes all messages inside the family ---both good and bad--- deeply personal.
How can we improve communication in our families? The following are three communication rules that if understood rightly, can create miracles in relationships.
1. It is impossible NOT to communicate.
First off, it helps to know that it is impossible not to communicate! Everything we do, whether we are aware of it or not, sends a message. Even silence is a form of communication. If your wife asks you if you are mad at her and you just keep quiet, that's your answer. For better or worse that kind of response speaks volumes and will get interpreted.
It is important to note this rule because many complain about what they do not like in another person without understanding how they have contributed to the problem. For instance, take a look at this complaint: "I don't know why my mother is a nagger. She is always on my case. She's so annoying, we've stopped talking to her. Then she just got worse."
Well, when you think about it, it is understandable why the nagging got worse after the cold shoulder treatment. Nagging is a form of communication. People nag because they feel that they are not heard and have to repeat themselves over and over. The more you give a nagger a cold shoulder therefore, the more you perpetuate the impression that you are not listening. Your silence communicated inattention. No wonder the nagging got worse!
We have to be always aware then of what we say, what we don't say, what we do and what we don't do as well as the message that these action/inaction send. The solution to our problem may simply be us -- if we just take a step back and appraise what we are not aware we are actually saying.
2. People communicate on verbal and non-verbal levels.
Do you know that we listen to a message not just with our ears but also our eyes? It's true. In fact, researchers estimate that 75% of the message that we receive comes from our interpretation of voice intonation and body language. It seems that what we communicate with our bodies matter a whole lot in how our message is interpreted.
A man raised by a military father may have, unconsciously, developed a gruff tone and a hard countenance. While he consistently tells his wife that he is concerned for her welfare, the concern may not be coming across because of the body language that is commonly interpreted as coldness and aloofness. Add to this is the fact that this man did not grow up in an affectionate family and consequently is not given to "touches" and "hugs".
But does this mean that he is not really concerned for his spouse? Of course not! He is. But the message is confusing. Confusing messages, or those where the verbals and non-verbals are incongruent, is a bedrock of misunderstanding. The best thing to do is to be consistently aware that we must match what we say with what our body says.
Knowing that communication exists on verbal and non-verbal levels can go a long way in receiving a more accurate message from our loved ones as well. Good listeners can easily catch non-verbals that are incongruent with the spoken message and follow their observation with appropriate responses. For example, a sigh may mean that one is tired despite saying that he still has energy. The sensitive family member can attend to the tiredness even if it is not verbalized.
3. Context is as important as the message.
Lastly, it pays to know that when and where you say a message factor a huge deal in how your message will be received and interpreted. A heartfelt apology may not be optimally received when said as the other person is rushing to work or in the middle of a busy marketplace. While equally sincere, an apology said after one is caught is likely to be perceived as less genuine as an apology said before being caught. Timing is a huge part of communication and misunderstandings may occur when a message is relayed outside of its proper context.
So if you know that what you need to say requires a particular disposition to appreciate, work at creating the mood and the context you require. Schedule and plan beforehand if necessary. And make sure that issues requiring privacy are discussed in private!
In sum, communication involves intentional effort and self-awareness. Contrary to popular opinion, great communication is not always spontaneous and automatic. Rather it is something that needs to be thought out, rehearsed and applied. But the good news is communication is a skill. You get better with it the more you do it! Practice makes perfect!