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Alcoholism and the Family
Why Those Around An Addict Need As Much Help
You nag, you beg, you cajole. You tell them that you will not tolerate their drinking anymore. You pack your bags and yet struggle as to whether you've really had enough. Maybe they deserve one more chance. Maybe they will change tomorrow. You decide to stay. You hide the beer bottles from the children; you patiently prepare the best hangover remedy known to man and you apologize to friends, family and co-workers on their behalf. You ask yourself what else can you do that you haven't done before. Then you wonder why does it have to be so hard? Why me? Why now? What did I do? Why is my love not enough? And then you go back to nagging, begging and cajoling. And then start the whole process all over again.
Life in the same house as an alcoholic is tough. Whether the substance-dependent is your spouse, your child or your parent, alcoholism is a big white elephant in the living room that you have to side-step and bend over backwards to accommodate. And it takes its toll on you.
If this is how you feel, know that you are not alone. Alcoholism has long been considered as a family disease. Yes, it is a disease of the individual addict, but inevitably, it affects everyone around the disease. It is an illness that can be caused by the family, or at the very least maintained by the family. Families of alcoholics have been known to become ill themselves -- addicted also in some fashion or another, burned out, clinically depressed and basically unable to take care of themselves.
The effect on loved ones can become so severe that family members become "codependents" -- unconsciously addicted to the other person's addiction. They begin to "need" their loved ones' disease -- they have adjusted to it already; it's the life that they know, the life where they find self-relevance. Mind you this often happens without the person's awareness. But it can become so bad that even when the alcoholic has changed and recovered, the family's behavior will push them back into drinking! They do not know how to deal with him sober -- who then will they nag, beg and cajole? They do not like loosing their power and "martyr" status as the alcoholic becomes more functional. They do not know what to do with themselves.
When an alcoholic exists in the family, the following roles come about to adjust to the alcoholism.
The Chief Enabler: The Chief Enabler is the person who keeps the family together by taking up the slack and responsibility left-behind by the alcohol-dependent. They make sure that everything is running smoothly by absorbing the impact of the consequences of the addicts' behavior like cleaning up their vomit, getting alcoholics to bed when they pass out, even apologizing to the boss for their perennial absenteeism. These actions often make them feel over consumed, victimized and angry at the alcoholic.
The Hero: The Family Hero is the person who deals with the shame of having an alcoholic in the family by making sure that the family has someone to be proud of them! They work really hard, become straight-A students, excels at sports -- basically look for all kinds of recognition and achievements. They are driven to not be part of "the mess" or driven to make the Chief Enabler happy. While at the surface Heroes look like they are dealing with the problem productively, the feel lonely, lost and angry.
The Mascot: The Mascots are those who use humor so that the family has reason to laugh despite the crisis and chaos. They also do this to relieve their own stress and anxiety and mask their own feeling of hurt. Underneath all the comedy though is a deep fear of facing negative emotions. These are the people who automatically crack a joke when they feel that a conversation may turn serious.
The Lost Child: These are the family members who deal with the problem by withdrawing into isolation and engaging in solitary activities. They often swallow their feelings, engage in daydreaming and withdraw from confrontation. They are the loners in school and at work; they feel the need to live in a bubble to survive a chaotic situation at home.
The Scapegoat: This is the problem child, the black sheep, the one who takes the blame for the chaotic nature of the family. They take the heat off the alcoholic. They are the ones often in trouble in school to draw attention to the family problem. Sometimes they try to appear tough to mask the confusion and the craving for guidance.
If you live with an alcoholic, it is important to look at these roles and see if you are in any way subscribing to them. Some adapt these roles as temporary coping styles, others though have made them a way of life. But these roles are not just coping mechanisms -- they are the family's way of denying that a problem exists. They are designed to accommodate the disease -- not challenge it to wellness. They are ways to not face the fact that the family is trying to control something that cannot be controlled. Rather than having the alcoholic face the consequences of their actions -- e.g. the vomiting, the hangover, the passing out on the driveway, the loss of a job and the anger, hurt and frustration of loved ones -- they protect the alcoholic. This protection contributes to maintaining the problem.
More so, these roles consume the person playing them. Rather than facing the normal feelings that come in lieu of the situation, they become addicted to these roles themselves. They live a life of not knowing who they are and how to take care of themselves because the disease has become central to their life.
If you see yourself in this article, the first thing to do is to think for a moment and try to look at yourself with an objective eye. Sometimes the best way to help our substance-dependent family member is to help ourselves first. Detach from the situation for a moment and get in touch with what you really feel. Take care of yourself. I suggest you get professional help and guidance. Aside from counseling, join support groups of families of alcoholics. It helps to know that you are not alone.